Workaholic. (monologue)

This is a monologue I have been wanting to write for a while. Ideally, it was going to be in a script I was writing for a 2-person show called, "Lava Me Tender," In which two roommates realize they can't be friends anymore, and then a volcano erupts, trapping them inside their apartment where they must die together. Clearly, it's a dark comedy.

 Male, 30-40's

Approx. 2 min

I think the exact moment I realized I was a workaholic was when I couldn't masturbate at work anymore. I remember my first job, at a movie theater. When I started, all I really did was sweep up popcorn. It couldn't have been an easier gig. After about a month, I realized I didn't like standing around, waiting for popcorn to fall, so I filled my time by going into the family bathroom and masturbating. I didn't have to worry about someone looking through the cracks in the door to see me crouched over a toilet. The only thing that could get into that room were the vibrations of the sub woofers. I got off on the idea that I was, currently, getting paid to masturbate. Even with my frequent private sessions, I still managed to impress the managers enough for them to promote me. But the higher up I got into management, the more I loved responsibility. Eventually, When I finally returned to my family bathroom, I became ridden with anxiety. I was more nervous about customers not getting proper service than I was about giving myself proper service. Suddenly, I was unable to do the one thing I loved. I pretend I love working and the responsibility... but in all honesty... I just miss masturbating at work.

Holy Headshot

Headshots are the business card of our industry. You are required to have at least 3 on you at all times. One time I ran into an actor at a bar in New Orleans who was working on a huge production and happened to have my headshot on me. He didn't take it, because he was a huge douche, but I will tell that story another time... 

What's more important than having a headshot is having a good headshot. Something that focuses mainly on your eyes and has both ears in the shot. You want it in glorious technicolor, and you want to look happy. Something that looks exactly like you, not just a good picture of you.

For a further study in what NOT to do for a headshot, I have to recommend the book, Holy Headshot!: A celebration of America's Undiscovered Talent. This should really be on every actor's coffee table, because it is a great conversation/party starter. You physically can't put it down once you have opened it.

Currently, It is listed on Amazon at 1 cent. I don't know why, but take this as a calling to buy this book right now, before US currency becomes irrelevant, and our main source of trade becomes amazing, perfect books of people who SERIOUSLY use headshots this bad. 

http://www.amazon.com/Holy-Headshot-Celebration-Americas-Undiscovered/dp/1416591125/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396890773&sr=8-1&keywords=holy+headshot

I love it here. (monologue)

This is a monologue I wrote for a short film I am in the process of producing titled, "Lovers & Dancers." It closes out the film. Out of context, I believe it has life, but obviously it ties into the theme of the film.

Male, Mid-20's

Approx. 2 min


I love it here. Julia was right. This is exactly what I needed. It feels nice to take a break from thinking and then think again. You need time to miss your old friend. Your inner thoughts... I guess I never took the time to really analyze what I was doing or why I was doing it. Right now, I have this feeling I used to feel when we would drive to Pittsburgh to see my Dad's Family. I would fall asleep in the back of the van and suddenly
wake up in a brand new place. I missed the journey, but liked where it got me... I love it here. I thought that if I left my home, where the pain was, I'd feel better. But the pain followed me. Which is okay, because my Father's Legacy followed me too. His passion, his love... That all stays with me. In a way, I'm living out
his legacy by being alive. It's kinda like when someone records a cover of someone else's song. They are paying homage to the legacy of the original artist, but doing it in their own unique way. Does that make any sense? I'm probably talking too much. Anyway. I love it here.

Monologues

Monologues are the thorn in the ass of most actors. You have to find one that fits your type, but then you grow out of that type and have to find a new one. It's always good to have a funny one and a serious one. In my experience, you don't need a monologue for 99% of the auditions you will be going on. Casting Directors will be seeing thousands of people and don't want to spend 2 minutes on each person hearing them do something their college professor said fit them perfectly. Even the theater auditions I've gone on would rather you learn from the script than come in and do something that doesn't fit the role you are coming in for.

But again... There will come a time that you will need it. And it is hard to find something in a moments notice.

I've found in my experience that selecting the perfect monologue is impossible. You can't have something that everyone has heard before, because they will tune you out the moment you announce the name. This is typical of most Shakespeare monologues. But you also don't want something that came out of a book full of monologues, because you are expected to know the specific play your monologue is from, and those aren't from plays.

You wanna know what I like to do? I like to write my own monologues and pretend they are from plays.

Not pretend. Act.

I found that the words I felt most passionate about delivering were usually my own, and even if the writing was only decent, I could sell it a little harder than someone could read it. As long as I convincingly said what "play" it was from, I was never questioned. Sometimes, if there was a group of people casting, some might even nod like they had heard of the play before, regardless of the fact that the play didn't exist until about 12 hours ago, and even then, there is only two minutes of it saved and written down on my hard drive.

I love writing. I used to only write from my perspective, but when that got repetitive, I began to think of my friends, and what they go through, and how I would think internally from there shoes. I write for people that don't have a way of communicating their own feelings.

What I will provide through this blog is a library of monologues you can use. I will write funny ones, insightful ones, serious ones, anything I think people could use. I don't see a point in charging money for them. I don't expect the average working actor to have much. If you do use one, just let me know in the comments sections. Have fun with it! Say it is from your favorite play and make up the context. Use my name if you want, but my goal is to also make it in the industry, and if at some point (God willing) I do strike some level of success, then someone might have heard of me and will know I didn't write a full play by that title. I don't advocate lying, but if it's true that you are auditioning from the moment you walk into the door, then you must ACT from the moment you walk into the door.

If you have any requests about monologues you would like written, and for what character type, please ask! I would love a challenge.

What's The Point

"Acting is the perfect idiot's profession"

                              ~Katharine Hepburn

It's a hard world out there for an actor. The leap from amateur to aspiring professional is a small one, typically from high school into college. However, even then, the world seems small and bright. It's just leaving one small community of actors to go play with another. Seems familiar enough. Gain a little more experience, beef up your resume...

But then the real world. There was nothing that could have prepared you for this. The rejection. The humiliation. The integrity. The bloodsuckers running the industry built on dreams...

This isn't high school anymore.

Not every actor's story begins this way, but they all certainly feel like that in the end. When I was looking into colleges, my dad gave me the priceless advice that regardless of where (or if) I went to school for acting, I was always going to be an actor. It is the only profession you can go into that has a major at most schools, but doesn't require you to have one in order to excel in that field. Because if a role comes down to two different people, one with a degree and one without, and the one without a degree is better in even the tiniest way... It will always go to the one without the degree.

My experience with actors that have gone to school and have been trained on a college level is that none of them have been warned about what the professional acting world is really like. It isn't laid out for them that this is a large pool they are jumping into, and any job is a good job. I would sit in lobbies with recent graduates that refused to audition for television pilots or commercials because they believed it would be selling out their integrity (an opinion I knew I might have grown for myself if I went to one of those schools). What I knew at that point that they didn't was that you can't exclusively be a stage actor, a comedic actor, or a serious actor... You need to be anything they ask you to be, or you will disappear. In the age of Justin Timberlake, Jamie Foxx and Natalie Portman, you have to be a triple, quadruple, or a centuple threat.

But even talent doesn't get you everything. Sometimes, the most talented are overlooked. It can take years before you book a paying job. Seriously. Years. That isn't an exaggeration. Imagine having spent 40,000 dollars on tuition a year at a prestigious theater school, and then not getting a single paying gig out of that degree for years. It happens more often than anyone wants to believe. When all is said and done... What's the point?

But there is good news. It isn't always that bad. And it doesn't have to be that bad anymore. The industry is changing. Walls are coming down. Location is superfluous. The big pond is getting very, very small. We, the little actors, can take this industry back. It will take a little time, but we can do this our way.

What I hope to accomplish with this blog is how to help you avoid the pitfalls I have run across in my career, and document my experiences in becoming more of an individual artist rather than a puppet doing other people's wishes. I will write about preparations I will undergo for specific auditions and what I do in order to get those auditions.

I will also write monologues. Those are a big thing in the industry I guess... and it is hard to find good ones. So I'll do my best to get you some to use for free. I mean, you could pay me if you want, but actors using my writing is reward enough.

I'm here to help. I have experienced success and humiliation in this industry. I've had years where I have booked a large job every month, and I have had years that I didn't book anything. I've been given harsh advice, and I have been paid extremely high compliments. All of the above where helpful and worth more than any college experience I could have received. If you have questions, let me know. I will gladly write long, never ending responses that might help answer those questions in some way.

Let's play by the rules. Let's make our own rules. This is our industry. We can do whatever we want.